The complete and uncensored A-Z of mum life
A is for… Administration
The flood of paperwork starts as soon as you sign your hospital admission forms. What follows is a blue book thrust into your hands and then endless school forms, excursion forms, shopping lists, birthday party invitations and the rest. Fake it until you make it won’t cut it when your kid misses a birthday party because you forgot to RSVP.
B is for… Boobs
Whether you breastfed or not, those ligaments that hold your breasts up have been stretched beyond their limits. Once perky and pert, sitting high on your chest, you are now left with two stretched bags of skin, dangling precariously low.
C is for… Chocolate and coffee
Basically mum fuel.
D is for… Dry shampoo
If you don’t use dry shampoo are you even a mum? It’s like a rite of passage. Congratulations on your baby – here is a lifetime supply of dry shampoo and hair ties – good luck! Rock that mum bun, mama!
E is for… Emotional
You feel all the emotions. A flood of love mixed with exhaustion when you give birth followed by love mixed with confusion, sadness, frustration, elation, wonder and surprise. You now cry at ads on the TV, not to mention the emotions your kids are learning and thrashing about on the daily.
F is for… FFS
Muttered under your breath countless times a day when you hear your kids calling out “mummy” for what feels like the thousandth time or when you finish cleaning one room only to discover the new mess your kids have just created in another room while you were busy. It’s like the mantra for motherhood and has universal application.
G is for… Glamorous
What’s not glamorous about trying to hold your vomiting child over a bucket or cleaning poo from your living room floor? Oh sah glamorous!
H is for… Haemorrhoids
More of the glamour! One of the absolute joys of pregnancy and childbirth.
I is for… Irony
There is a man who travels the world in one day delivering presents to all the children, a bunny who delivers chocolate and a fairy who exchanges your lost teeth for money. But kids, don’t tell lies. Do as mum says and not as she does. The irony.
J is for… Judgement
Whether we like it or not, judgement of mums and parenting is rife. The battle between the breastfeeders and bottle feeders or the vaginal birthers vs Caesarean birthers is rampant. Or maybe that is what the media tells us. At the end of the day, there are going to be some people that judge you. But before you judge another mum, first think kindness and remember that you don’t know what challenges she woke up to this morning.
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K is for… Kisses and hugs
Right from that very first kiss you give your newborn baby, you are hooked. They are like a drug and the more you get the more you want. When they sleep at night you just want to hold them in your arms, squeezing them tight and smothering them with kisses. Just don’t wake them up!
L is for… Laughter
Because sometimes, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry.
M is for… Mothers group
That group of women you are thrown together with for no other reason other than your babies were born around the same time, who somehow become lifelong friends. If mothers group didn’t work out for you, surround yourself with other mothers who get it. Social media has opened up so many opportunities for connection so build your own mothers group! You can even join our “Mum Club” on Facebook!
N is for… Negotiations
Your day is full of negotiations with your kids. What to wear, what to eat, where they can play, what or who they can play with… Have you considered a career change to hostage negotiator, because you’ve got serious skills by now!
O is for… Out of your depth
Totally, utterly and completely out of your depth, right from day one. They let you leave the hospital with this baby and you have no idea what you are doing. Each day you make it up, hoping for the best. And then you have number two, thinking that you perhaps have some idea of what you are doing. WRONG! Throw out the rule book and start again because this baby is completely different.
P is for… Put on your shoes
How many times do you need to say it before it sinks in? It’s really not that hard. You have two feet and two shoes, just put them on!
Q is for… Questions
All the questions. Are we there yet? When will daddy be home? Can I have something to eat? Where do babies come from? Popular answers include – nearly, soon and ask your father.
R is for… Relentless
Mum life truly is relentless. You are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The night you decide to have an early night is the one that your toddler will wake up vomiting. Or your plans for a nap in the middle of the day will be thwarted by a baby who won’t sleep. It’s best to expect the unexpected and remember that one day you will have a quiet and empty house when you wish it was filled with noise and laughter.
S is for… Sex life
You started out by threatening him if he so much as looked at you with that look in his eyes but then when you are both finally in the mood, one of the kids walks in, the baby wakes up or you fall asleep in bed before he can even take his pants off. Enough said?
T is for… Tampons
It doesn’t matter if they have a house full of toys, a box of tampons will always provide endless entertainment. Oh and then there are the times when you are trying to change your tampon in a public toilet and your kid lets out a horrified shriek at the blood, insisting that you need a band-aid.
U is for… Unconditional love
It doesn’t matter what they do, you would always do anything for them. When you tuck them into bed each night and look down on their peaceful sleeping face and all the sins of the day are forgotten.
V is for… Vagina
It will never be the same again.
W is for… WTF
So much of mum life can be summed up with those three little letters. Like the first time you experience a ‘poosplosion’, when the first hair pops up on your chin (thanks hormones) or the first time your baby bites your nipple while breastfeeding. WTAF?!?
X is for… Xylophones
Ok so X is a tricky little letter but seriously, xylophones and other noisy toys should be banned. If any of your childless friends give your kids a particularly offensive noise maker, keep a record of this and seek revenge when they have their own children.
Y is for… Yelling
You never yelled before you had kids, did you? And now all of a sudden you are a beast, shouting commands into the wild, because well, nobody is actually listening to you. They don’t want you to yell, you don’t want to be “that” yelling mum, so why don’t they just listen?!
Z is for… Zombie
There will be some days where you feel nothing more than a zombie. Sleep deprived, hair a mess, having not showered in the same clothes you were wearing yesterday with who knows what on the shoulder. The only recognisable difference between you and a zombie is basically your lack of desire to consume human flesh.
Image: Hipster Mum
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