There were many things I expected to start saying when I became a mum. And then there were some that have completely taken me by surprise. Perhaps the biggest surprise is the ease with which these new phrases have become part of my daily vernacular. Being a mum is the most amazing thing I have ever done and these phrases just make things a little more interesting. Here goes…

“Stop playing with my nipples”

The breastfeeding version of “don’t play with your food”. Nipples serve two purposes for a baby apparently. Food and entertainment. Had enough milk? Just flick mums nipple around for awhile until you are ready for some more!

“Don’t touch the cats bum”

Nigella (our cat) has a tendency of standing in front of Olivia and swishing her tail about in what I can only assume is a ploy to lure Olivia into making the fatal mistake of grabbing said tail so she can feel justified in exacting her revenge on this tiny person who has invaded her home. Anyway, Olivia tends to reach for Nigella’s bum. Maybe the jokes on Nigella, but it’s still gross.

“Be gentle”

These two words are fairly innocuous on their own but what I didn’t realise was that I would be saying them at least ONE HUNDRED times a day. “Be gentle when patting Nigella”, “Be gentle with grandma”, “Be gentle when kissing mummy”. It has become a mantra that I chant whenever a person or object comes within Olivia’s reach.

“I love it when you poo”

I know, I find this disgusting and strange too but I have said it on more than one ocassion. But, when a baby poos it means things are moving as they should and that’s a good thing, right? So usually I have said this one after a day with no poo if I have been worried.

“Mummy is right here”

And a billion other daily references to myself as mummy in the third person. So far today I have said “mummy is going to unpack the dishwasher and then we will eat breakfast”, “mummy is coming to get you up” and “mummy will get you a biscuit”. Sometimes mummy feels like she is going mad…

“Let me smell her bum”

The more I type, the more I see how poo has become one of the main focuses of my day. I never knew how many times a day a mum would smell her baby’s bottom to check for any offending odours.

What surprising words or phrases have you found yourself using since becoming a mum?